Your toddler is crying because you gave them the wrong cup. Or maybe you said no to another cookie, and suddenly the world is falling apart!
Sound familiar? (I’ve been there too!)
Toddler tantrums can be exhausting. One minute you’re having a great day, and the next you’re dealing with tears, screaming, kicking, or a full-blown meltdown. It’s like living with a ticking time bomb.
Here’s something I want you to remember: Your toddler isn’t giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time.
Toddlers are in a stage of building independence, learning to do things on their own, and understanding how to manage big emotions, handle disappointment, and communicate what they need. They don’t always have the words or skills to work through those feelings on their own.
So, what can you do?
First, take a breath. Your goal isn’t to stop every tantrum or make your child happy. It’s to help them work through their feelings while holding firm to the boundaries you’ve set.
Here are six simple ways to calm your toddler during a tantrum without yelling, getting angry, or giving in.
1. Offer Connection: “I love you.”
When your toddler is having a meltdown, it’s easy to get frustrated and want to walk away or tell them to stop crying.
But remember these 2 things—
- Their emotions are in their Power Zone—how they feel isn’t something you can control. But you can control what YOU do and how YOU react.
- Your relationship with your child is one of your most powerful parenting tools!
Let your toddler know that you love them, even when they’re upset.
Try saying:
- “I love you!”
- “I’m right here.”
- “When you’re ready, I’d love to read a book with you.”
- “When you’re done crying, let’s go outside and play!”
- “Would you like to have a tickle fight?”
You’re reminding your child that even when things get hard, you’re still on their team.
Coach’s Tip: You can be upset about your child’s behavior and still show them love. Connection doesn’t mean giving in!
2. Show Empathy: “I understand you.”
Sometimes toddlers get even MORE upset when we try to explain why they can’t have something.
Instead of jumping into explanations, try acknowledging how they feel.
Empathy helps your toddler feel understood and supported.
Try saying:
- “I’m sorry that happened. Are you OK?”
- “I know you’re sad that you don’t get your way.”
- “You really wanted that toy, didn’t you?”
- “I can see that you’re frustrated.”
- “I’m here to hug you if you need it.”
Sometimes empathy is all your toddler needs to begin calming down.
And remember, you can understand your child’s feelings without changing your decision.
For example: “I know you’re mad that we have to leave the park. You were having so much fun! It’s still time to go.”
Coach’s Tip: It’s OK for your child to feel angry, sad, disappointed, or frustrated. Feelings aren’t wrong. We’re helping our children learn what to DO with those feelings.
3. Look & Listen: “I hear you.”
Sometimes the best thing you can do is stop talking and start listening.
Get down to your toddler’s eye level. Give them your attention and try to understand what’s upsetting them.
Repeat back what you think they’re telling you:
- “So, you feel frustrated because I took the toy away.”
- “I hear you saying you wanted to do it yourself.”
- “You’re upset because it’s time to go home.”
Even if your toddler doesn’t have all the words to explain their feelings, you can help put those feelings into words.
This is how children begin learning to recognize their emotions and communicate their needs.
Coach’s Tip: Look beyond the behavior. Sometimes there’s more going on beneath your toddler’s tantrum than you realize.
4. Hug & Hold: “I’ve got you.”
Sometimes toddlers need a little extra comfort and reassurance when they’re having a hard time.
Offer your child a hug and let them know you’re there for them.
Try saying:
- “Would you like a hug?”
- “I’ve got you.”
- “I’m right here.”
- “It’s OK to be upset. I’m here when you need me.”
What if your toddler doesn’t want a hug? That’s OK!
You can sit quietly next to them and let them know you’re available when they’re ready.
Sometimes your child may need a little space. If you’re feeling frustrated or losing your patience, it’s OK to walk away briefly. Make sure your toddler is in a safe space, and check back every minute or two.
If your toddler is hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing things, remember:
It’s OK to be angry. It’s NOT OK to hurt someone.
Block hits, move dangerous objects, or create space to keep everyone safe.
Coach’s Tip: Your toddler doesn’t always need you to fix their feelings. Sometimes they just need to know you’re there, you love them, and you’ll help them through it.
5. Check In: “I’m here for you.”
Sometimes toddlers need a little space to work through their emotions.
If your child needs some time to be upset, let them know you’ll check back in.
You might say:
- “I’m going to give you a little space. I’ll check on you in a minute.”
- “I’m right here when you’re ready.”
- “Are you ready to play, or do you need a little more time to be sad?”
If you need to walk away or your child needs some space, make sure they’re in a safe place. You can even set a timer and check in every 1–2 minutes to see how they’re doing.
The goal isn’t to rush your child through their feelings. It’s to remind them that you’re nearby and available when they need you.
Coach’s Tip: You don’t have to fix every emotion immediately. Sometimes knowing you’re nearby is exactly what your toddler needs.
6. Remove & Redirect: “I’ll help you.”
Sometimes the best way to help your toddler move past a tantrum is to change what’s happening around them.
Remove them (or the object) from the situation and redirect their attention to something they CAN do.
For example:
- “No climbing on the counter, but let’s make a pillow pile for you to climb on!”
- “We can’t throw blocks, but you can throw these soft balls into the basket.”
- “We’re not going to hit. Let’s find something you can safely bang on!”
- “We can’t draw on the wall, but you can draw on this paper!”
Redirecting gives your toddler another way to explore, play, and express themselves.
It also helps you maintain the boundary without turning the situation into a power struggle.
Coach’s Tip: Instead of focusing only on what your toddler CAN’T do, look for something they CAN do!
You Can Be Loving AND Firm!
One of the biggest misconceptions about toddler tantrums is that you have to give your child what they want to make the crying stop.
You don’t!
You can:
- Acknowledge your child’s feelings AND maintain your boundaries.
- Offer connection AND say no.
- Show empathy AND hold your ground.
- Give your child space AND let them know you’re there.
- Help your toddler calm down WITHOUT giving in.
Your toddler is learning how to handle disappointment, frustration, and big emotions. Those skills take time, practice, and lots of patience.
You don’t have to use all six strategies every time. Pay attention to what your child needs in that moment and choose the approach that makes the most sense.
A Little Encouragement from Coach Christine
If you’re struggling with toddler tantrums, I want you to know something: You’re not alone!
Parenting a toddler can be challenging (I have 3 kids–who are teens now, but were all toddlers once so I get it), especially when you’re trying to figure out what’s going on beneath the behavior and how to respond.
You don’t have to be a perfect parent. You just need practical tools, a little understanding, and opportunities to practice along the way.
Remember, you are the Coach or your family is your team…your child is learning, and so are you!
You’ve got this! And I’ll be here cheering you on!
Coach Christine — Your Partner in Parenting.
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You don’t have to figure it all out alone!